A Lost Child
by TheRoyalAddict
Summary: Itv The Royal. Rather sad. Jill and Gordon lose a child... Series 5
1. Chapter 1

The pregnancy had been fairly easy, apart from Jill's initial reservations. It had progressed smoothly; the unborn child grew at a reasonable rate inside his mother. Nobody could have foreseen the problems they faced and the heartbreak the child would bring.

Jonathon Ormerod was born three weeks early; Jill had been worried when she'd gone into labour early but had faith in her colleagues. She and Gordon knew three weeks wasn't a major concern considering there wasn't any real known problem with their child. The labour had gone smoothly, although a little slow and the two of them had welcomed their first child into the world.

Within seconds of his arrival he'd cried, a noise that so many mothers long to hear; a signal that their okay. A sense of relief washed over his parents; who, unlike most 1960s births, had both been there. Gordon had been adamant that he wanted to be at their child's birth and Jill didn't see any problems with his insistence. They'd seen it all before; delivered many baby's each.

And that initial reservation that Jill had once had instantly washed away, as soon as her son was placed in her arms she was overwhelmed with love for the child. Gordon sat on the bed beside Jill his arm wrapped around her, watching his wife and son bond.

'He's beautiful Jill. Well done love' Whispered Gordon as he kissed her head again and stroked his sons head. 'Thank you' His eyes filled with tears and his face the picture of happiness. There was no reply from Jill, no words were needed. She looked up at Gordon and kissed him, letting him know everything was going to be alright.

With Mr Carneigie at the meeting and all their colleagues awaiting news on the baby Gordon went to announce Jonathon's birth. 'Has she had it?!' shouted Lizzie as he entered the reception area.

'Yes, yes. Mother and baby doing well... Jonathon Ormerod I should say' announced Gordon, proud as punch. He didn't stay long before making his way back to Jill's side ward. But they only got a short time with their child after that, before their pleasure was snatched away. The first checks of their son had shown no problems, he'd appeared a healthy baby but Jill's instincts told her something wasn't right. His breathing was laboured and far too fast, even for a newborn child. Sister Bridget checked him over and after much resistance from Jill he was hurried away with Sister to be worked on.

'He's going to be alright, come on. He'll be fine!' Reassured Gordon as he tried to comfort his wife, holding her close to him as she cried uncontrollably, but even he himself wasn't so sure.

'I knew this would happen! It's my fault...' Exclaimed Jill, upset and angry

'Don't say that. That's not true; you know it, as well do I.' His own eyes welling, Gordon felt as if he'd been punched in the gut. 'Look, I'll go and find out what's going on. I promise you he'll be alright. Our son will be alright Jill. Trust me' Gordon stood up not wanting to leave his wife for too long. He walked out of the room backwards; not taking his eyes off Jill. Then quickly ran to the emergency room where Jonathon was being treated.

'How's he doing? What's wrong with him?' He quickly questioned when he reached the room where Mr Rose was helping his two colleagues with the baby. But their faces said it all. They didn't even have to say anything, he already knew.

'I'm so very sorry old chap' Mr Rose's voice broke the silence 'I'm so very sorry...'

'No you must be wrong! You've got to keep trying! He was fine half an hour ago; crying, m-moving...'

'Problem with the heart it would seem. A post-mortem will reveal more. I wish there was more I could do Ormerod, but there just isn't' Mr Rose walked towards Gordon placed a firm hand on his shoulder for several seconds and then walked out.

'How am I going to tell Jill? This wasn't meant to happen' He questioned Matron, looking for answers in somebody of great authority.

How do you tell your wife that your new born son is dead? How do you tell her after promising her everything was going to be alright? It was the horrible job Gordon was left with. He turned down Sister Bridget's offer of breaking the news, it was down to him.

After spending a while composing himself and over thinking things Gordon made his way back to Jill. As soon as he walked in the room the atmosphere changed, she knew what had happened without him even speaking. A scream filled the corridor and Gordon ran over and caught his wife as she collapsed on the floor. They sat together crying and grieving for the child they barely knew.


	2. Chapter 2

And so the short and innocent life of baby Ormerod was bought to an abrupt halt. The post-mortem that quickly followed showed an undiagnosed heart condition, something that Jill was sure would have been picked up if 'The Royal' had had a specialist baby unit. She'd begged for 'The Royals' facilities to be improved for wish of not wanting to lose another child, but not for a moment had she thought a child lost would have been her own.

The day of the funeral was grim, nobody knowing how to act. Tom and Katie were distraught at the loss of a sibling they never knew. Gordon and Jill's world torn apart for a child they'd never get to see flourish within their family. They'd only spent such a small amount of time with their son but that didn't ease the pain they felt.

The funeral was nothing fancy; plain and simple. Gordon, with Jill by his side, carried the tiny coffin into the church. They were followed by their two older children, work colleagues, family and close friends. The small solid oak coffin was place at the front and everybody took their seats, most of them only there to support their dear friends. How could anybody else mourn for a child they'd never seen or held?  
Gordon sat close to his wife, her head held close to his chest as she cried into his black coat. He gently rested his head on top of hers and rubbed her back. Though he felt a loss it was nothing compared to how his wife was feeling. The vicar did a short service; prayers were said and 'All Things Bright and Beautiful' sung, a fitting song for a life that could have been. And then bravely Gordon said a short speech to the congregation. It had been something Jill had yearned t do but couldn't face it, this was a grieving father's job.

'We all know why we're here, to say goodbye to our son. But we shouldn't be saying goodbye should we? No, we should be saying hello. You see, in that box in front of me is my son, my tiny son. We'd barely had chance to welcome him into the world before he was cruelly snatched away. Jonathon Ormerod was with us for such a short space of time but he'll always be in our hearts. Jill and I will never get to know him as the boy he could have been, or see him grow up into a fine young man. Instead we'll have to imagine and sit and wonder and would what he would have been like. He didn't have a personality or an identity but to us he was the most perfect baby. Jonathon probably didn't even know who I was but one thing I'm sure of is he knew who his mum was, that amazing woman over there. My wife. I'll always be a father to three children. Where ever I am Jonathon, you'll be with me.'

Gordon's words had touched everybody, many silently crying. He quickly returned to his wife's side who let out a loud wail followed by numerous sobs as her husband tried to her, but he too cried. How could two caring people deserve such a tragedy?


	3. Chapter 3

'WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY GORDON? THAT I'M GOING TO BE OKAY? BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE I'M GOING TO BE!' Shouted Jill. She and Gordon were in the house alone and an argument had erupted. She was struggling to cope with the loss of their child and he was unsure how to handle her.

'That's not what I'm saying Jill. I want you talk to me about how you feel' reasoned Gordon, trying to calm the situation down.

'YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW I'M FEELING? I FEEL AS IF MY LIFE'S BEEN RIPPED APART! AS IF I'M STUCK IN A BAD DREAM! I HAVEN'T FALLEN OVER AND GRAZED MY KNEE GORDON, I'VE LOST MY SON!' Jill walked out of the kitchen and into the living room, leaving Gordon to trail behind her.

'And so have I! You're not the only one who's lost a child Jill! I was there as well, you know.'

'BUT YOU DIDN'T CARRY HIM FOR NINE MONTHS, FEEL HIM MOVE, GIVE BIRTH TO HIM'

'No, but I dreamt of our future. Watching him grow up...'

'Why did this happen to us?' Questioned Jill as she crumbled to the floor beside the sofa and sobbed. Gordon, who now stood meters from the door way, joined his wife on the floor encased her against him.

'I don't know love, I really don't know' He soothed, holding her tight and stroking her hair 'but he's at peace now and we will get through this, I promise... I love you'


	4. Chapter 4

It was warm summer's morning, the sun shone down and families were out enjoying the glorious weather. Jill walked up the pebbled graveyard path, past hundreds of headstones to a small spot in the corner. The grey headstone gleamed in the sunlight, the plot recently laid to rest and covered with weary flowers.

Once arriving at the headstone Jill stared at it for several seconds, contemplating what to say and looking around to see if anybody would hear. It was her first time visiting their son's grave alone; on the few previous occasions Gordon had been with her. They'd only ever stayed briefly and then left, no words said, but this time it was different. 'Hello Jonathon... it's your mum' Whispered Jill. She bent down at the foot on the soil, resting her knees gently on the ground and placed the blue tulips on the grave.

'I'm sorry you know; this shouldn't have happened. And believe me, if I could swap places with you I would. You had to so much to live for; so much to do and I can't help but think it's my fault. What am I saying, of course it's my fault.' She explained, her eyes watering and her shoulders slumped forwards. 'Your dad's braver than me, he's carrying on with his life but I can't. I was scared when I found out I was pregnant but I came to love you, before I'd even met you. Your dad, he's a good man but he seems to have forgotten what's happened. All I want to do is talk about you...'

Jill paused for several minutes; taking in the scenery that surrounded her and watching a young boy play with his father in the nearby park.

'Although I do know he'll miss a lot of things, things that he does with Tom. We'd have enjoyed seeing you grow up into a fine young boy. Your dad would have played football with you; he's not very good so it's always worth a laugh at his expense. He'd of taught you to ride your bike in the summer and showed you how to build a snowman in the winter. You'd of loved him you know, just the way we love you'

She sat for a little longer, going over things in her head, enjoying being out the house. But after a while she realised it was time to go, to carry on with her life without their son. 'I'm going to go now but I'll be back, I promise. Bye Jonathon.' She slowly got up off the ground and walked back down the pebbled path and into the busy world. She felt better after spending some quiet time at the grave, it had helped her to collect her thoughts but her soul still ached and her body still confused.


	5. Chapter 5

They'd been up to the grave on several occasions, him and Jill, but it wasn't something he wished to do on a regular basis for fear on making the pain worse. It was dark and Gordon was alone, not long having finished work. Jill was at home with Tom and Katie but something hadn't driven Gordon to visit their son's grave on the way back from work. . He parked the car in the lane a short distance from the grave yard and made his way to where Jonathon had been laid to rest. He didn't know what the visit was meant to do for him but he'd felt a sudden urge to be close to his son.

He walked up the pebbled footpath, his shoes crunching amongst the stones in the silence of the evening. And out of curiosity he read several of the headstones on passing 'George Walker, 83 years old.' 'Tom Snoop, aged 65' 'Mary Webb, Aged 50' but no children. The gravestone he visited was different 'Jonathon Ormerod, Aged one day. Taken too soon.'

'It wasn't even one day though was it son, just half an hour. That's not a life at all...' Spoke Gordon, breaking the silence. It was the first time he'd spoken at the graveside. 'So I'm guessing this is what your mum does when she comes here... I can't blame her; she's lost so much more than me. And yes I want to move on from it all but I don't want to forget you, but how can I talk to her about it? How can I make her relive it all...? There's so much I want to tell her; how proud I am of her, how I really feel but I can't. I know we only had such a short time with each other Jonathon, but I miss you. We had nine months of preparation up to your birth, all ruined in a split second. Does this pain ever get easier? I suppose only time will tell... Until next time son...' And he slowly walked backwards away from the grave, until at a suitable distance he turned and walked back to his car. A weight lifted off his shoulders but the agony still the same. A grieving father.


	6. Chapter 6

It was a dark, cold evening; Jill, Tom and Katie were huddled up on the sofa with the fire roaring watching a classic film off their black and white TV. Gordon was still at work, it had become a regular occurrence since Jonathon's death. It made life easier for the two of them, the less thay had to communicate the easier life became.

'Jill, you know dad?' Piped up Tom

'Yes, I do know dad. Why?' Replied Jill, watching her step-son carefully

'Well... He's a bit strange isn't he Jill?'

'How do you mean strange?'

'He's never at home-...'

'And then when he is he just sits in his chair on his own!' Katie butted in, finishing off her brothers sentence.'

Jill paused for a moment, thinking carefully about how to finish the conversation without worrying the children 'It's very busy at work at the moment you see and I expect he's just a bit tired. Like when you go to school and do a lot of work.'

Tom thought about this for several seconds and then out of nowhere said 'Is he sad?'

'Sad about what Tom?'

'About Jonathon of course.'

'Tom shut up!' Urged Katie, realising the topic might upset Jill

'I suppose he is. When somebody dies Tom it takes a long time to feel better again. Just like when your mum died, you were sad for a while weren't you? But I'm sure dad will cheer up again very soon'

'Are you sad Jill?'

'I'll always be sad, I've lost my son; just like I'd be sad if I lost one of you. But having you with me makes things better. We can't cry forever though' explained Jill, her eyes prickling with tears.

'I love you Jill' Whispered Tom, leaning his head against her ribs again and concentrating on the film

'I love you too' she replied 'and I love you as well Katie' Holding onto her step children tighter and kissing their heads. So they were more aware of Gordon's behaviour then she'd first thought. And they too were aware of the absence of a brother they'd never got to meet. She felt lucky to have them in her life but the pain of losing Jonathon still shone through.


	7. Chapter 7

It was late, everybody apart from Gordon in bed. Jill had woken up to find the other side of the bed still empty and cold, the covers untouched. Looking at her clock she was in two minds; did she go and see where her husband was or just pretend she hadn't noticed. Their relationship was strained but she still chose the former thought. She quietly climbed out of bed and headed down the stairs, hoping the fourth creaky step wouldn't give her presence away. As she reached the living room door it was half ajar, and Gordon sat in his old arm chair; the back towards the door. From where she was stood it was clear he had a glass half full with whisky, his reliance on alcohol ever increasing.

'G-Gordon...' Muttered Jill; leaning a hand on the door frame. 'Are you coming to bed? It's gone twelve...' Gordon sat staring at the wall, gulping down his alcoholic beverage.

'I'll, I'll be up in a bit.' He replied, barely taking notice of his wife

'We can't go on like this you know. The children are starting to notice Gordon.'

'Noticing what?'

'I can't do this now. Just come to bed!'

'You can't do what?! Because I can't do it either! It hurts Jill, everything hurts but most of all, my heart hurts. Do you know how many nights I spent sitting here dreaming of our unborn child, the things I'd teach them; counting down the days till we got to meet him. All of it torn apart in an instance!' Tears started rolling down his face as his voice became thick with emotion.

'And I feel the same, you know I do, but Tom and Katie still need us! If I didn't have to I wouldn't bother carrying on but we can't give up. I loved him Gordon, I'll always love him but he's gone and no matter what we say, he's not coming back.' She walked over to his side, kneeling besides his chair and holding onto the arm.

'It was different with Caroline. I didn't love her, I hadn't loved her for a long time but this was our son. I loved him from the moment you told me you were pregnant.' He sobbed, unable to hold it in any longer. Jill reached up and wrapped an arm around his neck, holding his head close to hers and kissing her cheek. She too cried, complete heartbreak at her husband's confession. It seemed clear there was no way out. They were on two completely different wavelengths and no amount of words was going to change that. Her strong husband crumbling under the strain of life.


	8. Chapter 8

The sun was beating down and the warm summer atmosphere had enticed the Ormerod family outside for the day; some quality time together. They'd chosen to go to the Local Park and field for a picnic. It wasn't something they did regularly but both Jill and Gordon had come to realise they should relish any spare time they could spend with their two children. Gordon was still feeling slightly cut off from the world, still not able to fully accept their son's death but willing to try and move on. Jill on the other hand was trying her hardest to move on and look to the future, but still had her up and down days.

'Dad can we play football now?' Begged Tom eagerly

'Woah; just a minute son. Let me finish my lunch first!' Replied his father, still eating his squared cheese sandwich.

'Hurry up!' Urged Tom, throwing his ball across the playing field and running after it

'I'll be there in a minute...' Gordon's voice trailing off as he son ran out of hearing range

'Come on then Gordon. Show us your FANTASTIC football skills.' Laughed Jill, teasing her husband

'Alright, alright! You can go and play with him if you fancy?' He added sarcastically

'I don't think so. Nope. We all want to see your amazing tackling skills' Placing a hand on top of his and smiling, a sense of happiness amongst them

'Are you coming Katie?' Asked Gordon, getting up out the floor and walking over to his son

'No thanks, I'm not very good at playing football.'

'We'll stay here won't we darling' Chipped in Jill, stroking her step-daughter's hair.

After a short pause, both Jill and Katie watching the two men, Katie spoke 'Jill... I love you'

Jill looked at lovingly, feeling nothing but a maternal emotion for the girl sat in front of her 'And I love you too sweetheart' Hugging her tightly.

'Dad's happy again isn't he?'

'Yes, yes I think he is.'

'What would Jonathon have been like Jill?'

After a short pause she replied 'He'd have been a great little boy, you mark my words. And he'd have loved you and Tom lots. If he'd of been anything like you two we'd have been blessed. But he's watching over us and looking after us.'

'And I'd of loved him too' Added Katie, smiling.

It was clear the children were aware of their brother's absence from their life, but the circumstances in which he died to them were unknown. And the impact of his death wasn't as great, after all they were just children.


End file.
